I am starting this blog because I would like to see it change lives. I remember when I was afraid to share things, such as my testimony, to people for fear of judgment. I felt as though I couldn't be a "good" Christian because of my past. I felt like a terrible person with no hope. That isn't the case though! 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness." That bible verse gives me the strength and courage to share my story to the public eye because God forgave me and wants me to share his miraculous ways with others.
High School was a really rough time for me, as it can be for many others. This is the age that I feel peer pressure truly begins to come into play. My sophomore year is when I began to really start to dig into the word. I began going to church as often as I can; I'm talking about finding a reason to go every day of the week. I took on any task the church was willing to throw at me, I was eager to help others and to learn as much as I could about Jesus and how amazing he is. Not even halfway through my sophomore year I got my first boyfriend. I thought I was so lucky to have this guy because he was 18 and I was 15. I didn't think I truly deserved him, I thought of him more as a blessing in my life. Before I knew it I was head over heels in love with him, or at least I thought I was. With your first actual relationship comes temptation. Being involved in the church kept me grounded for a long time, but one day everything came crashing down around me. I had found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I didn't know how to handle it, I wasn't ready to let him go because I thought I loved him and that I would never find anyone like him. I gave him chance after chance to redeem himself, and each time I gave him another chance I lost a little more respect for myself. I knew I deserved better, I just didn't want to let go. Eventually it got to the point that he said to me, "If you want me to stop cheating on you, you have to satisfy me or I am going to keep going to girls who will." I heard that over and over again until one day I broke down. I gave up something so precious to me for a boy who didn't even love me. I hated myself more and more every day because of this. He ended up leaving me anyway and I was broken because of it. I didn't know where to turn, I felt filthy with sin and regret. I had it stuck in my head that nobody would ever love me because I was no longer good enough. I became depressed because of the whole situation. I, a typically very bubbly and happy person, hardly ever smiled. I couldn't even make myself eat because I was always upset and putting myself down. I was quickly falling into a very dark and lonely place. I went on a mission trip that summer and my heart definitely wasn't in it at the beginning. It's hard to be around such amazing Christians when all you think about yourself is that you're someone who fell short of what you should have been. Something in me changed that week. A fire was sparked in my heart because I heard a testimony of someone who fell short but picked themselves up and used their testimony to their advantage. I realized that no matter what I had done, I was forgiven. God loved me no matter what. That brought me so much happiness and relief. I felt like a new person, like I could be used for God's will again. I never wanted anyone to be in that place where I had been stuck for months. Once I began living for God I started gaining so many blessings. One of which was another boyfriend. He was wonderful and made me nothing less than happy. We spent around 2 years together and I wouldn't take it back for anything. He helped me to learn so much within those years. Before I knew it I was about to go off to college and his parents told him that we wouldn't be allowed to date because he was younger than me and I was about to be 18. It completely shattered my heart, watching him walk out of my life is one of the biggest heartbreaks I have ever experienced in my life. I started going back into my dark place. I picked up a bad drinking habit, I wanted to be drunk all the time as long as it meant I wasn't thinking about the break up. I went to a party every weekend. I went my whole freshman year of college avoiding church and anything to do with it. I was so angry at God and the world for taking away my happiness. I just wanted to be left alone so I could mourn my loss however I deemed necessary. I left college with a reputation I would have never dreamed I would have. I will spend the next few years recovering from what I've done to myself. As I came home from college I was still upset and angry. One day I got a text from a guy I met on a mission trip. He doesn't know how much he has helped. He planted a seed in my heart that has grown rapidly over the past few weeks. He reminded me of how good it felt to love God instead of be angry with him. He helped me to take the blindness off of my eyes and see the blessings I have gained over time. He helped me to reevaluate every aspect of my life. He's the reason I have rededicated my life and started living for God again. It's really funny how God knows when to put someone in your life like that. The guy and I don't talk anymore due to an unfortunate turn of events but I truly believe that God sent him to help me find the right path again. Lately I have been back to reading scripture daily, looking at the positive side of things, worshipping God every chance I get, and praying often.
I now know how it feels to be so lost that you don't even know how to pick yourself up. I understand that it's easy to blame God for anything that goes wrong and to just get angry, but I'm here to tell you that God wrecks your plans when he sees your plans are about to wreck you. Hitting rock bottom doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you realize that you need Jesus in your life because he makes the climb up from the bottom so much easier. No matter what you do God will forgive you and he loves you. He will NOT give up on you no matter how far you stray. He's standing there patiently waiting for your return onto the path you're meant to be on. He's waiting with his arms wide open and wants you to come back to him. He won't shame you, so stop running FROM him and start running TO him. God is so good and he wants to help you, you just have to look past all of the reasons you come up with to run and start looking at all of the reasons you should go to him. I know life can get hard and you can get so lost, but just remember; Jesus died on that cross for OUR sins, not his, and we are already forgiven! Take it from me, stop blaming God and start trusting him. His plans are much better than the ones we have for ourselves.
XOXO,
Kirby Madyson
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